Acceptance isn’t linear

I’ve been sick for awhile now, with that I went through the acceptance and grieving process a long time ago. No one ever told me that I may have to continually go through that process. So if you follow me, you know that I had a baby. Since that time I’ve found myself having to accept all the things about my disability and illness that I thought I had accepted years ago.

For instance I haven’t driven a car since 2014 and until now I understood that and most times don’t even think about that fact. I figure out how to get every where I need to. I know I can order a lyft or ask a family member or friend for a ride. But now I’m relearning to be okay with the fact. I have to be okay that I’ll never be able to pack my son up and drive him to the park. To sit in the dreaded pickup line after school and get him. Simply go on a drive alone. Take him on a date with a driver. Drive him to pick up a gift for his dad. None of those things will happen without someone’s help and that makes me sad. There’s nothing I can do about it & I will learn ways to get out with him alone but it does make me sad.

I’m reaccepting the limitations of what my body can do. I learned a long time ago that I can’t physically do everything. There are times I have to take a break. There are events I cant always make. I’m not able to jump on trampolines and hang upside down on jungle gyms. I was okay with all of that…. until now. This is my son and there are things he’ll want to do, that I may not always be able to do. Even at this age chasing his quickly crawling self around the Livingroom is physically exhausting. So I’m learning again to be okay with my body in spite of of it’s limitations. I remind myself that doing my best is all that I can do. And that of course it’s okay to not be okay. He’ll love me regardless and he’ll always see, that mommy always tried her hardest. I don’t have to be at 100% everyday I just have to be there for him.

Once again I’m accepting that I have an illness with no cure and limited treatments. More than likely in my sons lifetime I will have to have major surgeries to treat my Intracranial Hypertension. That scares me. That’s a fear I didn’t have before. I knew surgeries were coming, I even asked for them at times. I was okay with that fact that multiple brain/spinal surgeries were in my future. I mean at this point I’ve gone through this 15times. If that’s not acceptance, I don’t know what is but recently I’m having to accept it all over again. I have to be okay with the fact that God forbid if something happens during one of those surgeries and my son looses me. Or even worse for me I loose my vision and the ability to see him.

I guess I’m just in this phase of relearning, reaccepting that this parenting thing, that is already the hardest job in the world is going to be even harder for me. This phase is something my able-bodied, healthy parents can’t necessarily understand. When you become a parent everything changes but in my case things are changing & staying the same and I have to remember that it’s all okay. Ezra won’t care how we get to the park, he won’t care if I have to be on my cane to play with him. He will love me through the surgeries & any side effects that may arise from that. No matter what everything will be well. My son will have all he needs, I will always do my best, I will learn to adapt in every situation and we will experience an amazing life together even if it looks a little different. Hopefully my adaptation in life, will teach him to do the same no matter what life throws at him.

My take away from this and something I hope we all can remember is that acceptance like healing isn’t linear. You don’t just decide one day that you’re healed from something/have accepted something and then that’s it, process over. Life will change, circumstances will change that will force you to reevaluate and think about things you never did before, or in away you never did before. Changes will force you to go through the process over and over again. So don’t get discouraged by old feelings with healing & acceptance it happens. Face it, do the work. Everyday accept your situation for what it is and make the best out of it. Remain positive and thrive however that looks for you