Throughout this health journey of mine I’ve dealt with it in ways that probably only make sense to me. For example, when I was first diagnosed with Epilepsy and then shortly after with Pseudotumor cerebri, I had what I called sad realization moments. My first sad realization was during a 72 hour extended eeg with about 50 probes stuck in my hair, I came home from the hospital trying to get undressed and was so weak, so confined with the probes that I couldn’t take my own shirt off. I cried.
But all of my realizations were not so futile. Another time I woke up in the hospital after a laminectomy and couldn’t move my right leg, Big Sad Realization moment in my battle.Running into the vacuum was a sad realization too where I realized I couldn’t see in the dark anymore. The sad realizations helped me, although they made my mom sad, noticing things and mentioning them, even laughing at them helped me process the tons of things that were happening to me. It’s funny sometimes I felt like a spectator to my own life. As my journey went on there were less and less sad realizations because let’s be honest my entire life was a sad realization. I was at a point where mostly I went to doctors appointment, slept and needed helped to do anything but a couple months ago, I had the biggest sad realization I have ever had….
Sitting in my room, trying to figure out how I was going to be able to go get my nails done. I know my nails right, but Shane was working, my mom was working and they don’t like me using uber or lyft by myself. So I was stuck, I didn’t want my man who works very hard all day to take me when he got off because he was tired and I knew my mom was too.So I was stuck, and sitting on my bed was the first time I felt stuck in my situation, stuck in the house unable to get up and go if I wanted or needed to like normal adults.And the sad realization hit me like a truck, I will never be able to drive again.
Now I’m sure some of you are thinking now Unique you haven’t driven in a long time, why now is it affecting you? You’ve had visual issues for awhile you had to know that right? Well yes I haven’t driven a car since december 2014, yes I have significant vision damage that keeps me from seeing the tv, let alone seeing enough to drive a car. I’ve even heard my Neuro-Optamologist say I’d never drive again but in this moment it just hit me, it scared me.Here I am thinking about when I have kids, if Im home alone with them and they need something, I can’t drive and provide it for them. This sad realization hurt me.
After a 2 minute break down and talk with sounding board. I pulled myself together and realized that I have people willing to help me get around this never ending obstacle in my life and that is what is important. A friend reminded me that this whole battle i’ve been adjusting and adapting, enduring and I will learn how to do all those things when I have children as well, even if I can’t.
I write all this to tell you guys, it’s okay to laugh at yourself and your situation, it’s okay to notice and even cry about those sad realizations in life but don’t stay there. Cry for a minute, if you need and whisper to that realization, “I see you” and let it pass. Adapting, adjusting and enduring is apart of life and we can all get through it no matter how sad, no matter the obstacle or realization.
I wish you all enough