A week ago today I had a seizure. The first seizure I’ve had in 9 months and it scared the hell out of me.
I guess those of you who know me are wondering why it scared me so much it. I mean we all know it definetly wasn’t the first time. Well, I think it scared me so much because it came out of no where. Those unchallenged by epilepsy will never know the fear that comes with waking up and not knowing where you are or what happened to you. Not knowing how much time you’ve lost track of.The terror in not knowing if you’ve lost control of your bladder in front of strangers. How hard it is to lay there with an audience staring at you, watching you at the most vulnerable time. Fear that your mom or your man who know your illness best won’t make it to you in time. The terror knowing the chaos you’ve caused. The thought of the judgement you know people are giving you. Hating The attention this flaw of yours has to have.The embarrassment of what you consider to be your fate in the hands of someone else because you can’t communicate for yourself. Not wanting to tell anyone that you yet another seizure because you don’t want to hear them say”what? Again?” It sucks. And let me tell you, it’s humbling.
I think another reason this time scared me so much is because I’ve felt so much better lately. And then boom, hanging out with a friend I fall out and have not 1 but 2 seizures in the middle of her business. When you have epilepsy you learn to explain your condition to new people in your life but it doesn’t mean much at least not until they experience it with you. It’s that way with employers as well. At an interview do you tell them that at any time you can start convulsing and interrupt a normal productive work day at their establishment, oh and that’s not all because after that you’ll be out of commission for Lord knows how long? Having epilepsy leaves you with impossible decisions to make and a hard way to live in fear of when the next one is coming.
But everyday I’m choosing to not live in fear, to not be afraid of this monster called seizures that I carry with me all the time. Despite how people react I try to prepare everyone I’m around anyway. We can’t be ashamed of something we can’t change about ourselves. I have to constantly remind myself that yes it will happen again, it may be tomorrow or it may be in 2 years but Im going to enjoy what I can while I can. I push that fear to the smallest place in my mind and I endure.
If you know someone with epilepsy learn what their triggers are and what their needs may be in the event of a seizure. Also learn as much as you can about their illness so your more prepared to help them. My friend listened to me and was able to get me help when I needed it most. If you endure this monster like I do, don’t be afraid to tell any and everyone your around about what your needs are and what they need to do to help you should you need it. It is humiliating and it feels like your a burden on those people in your life but honestly what other choice do we have. Not telling them could mean life or death for you and no form of embarrassment is worth that.
After a week of resting, Im starting to feel like myself again, I just have to keep working now to put that fear to bed.