Have y’all ever been in a place where you want something you cant have. Well that’s where I am at. I want my body to be at rest, To have some peace, some stillness. I would love to be able to sleep, at least more than two hours. I want to be able to go Christmas shopping with my mom without feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck after being awake for 48 hours. I want to enjoy the holiday without assistance, medication or devices but I cant have that.
Instead I get to be exhausted in more ways than one, sleepy and in more pain everyday. On top of that I’m starting to drop stuff. Twice I have spilled my Ice Cold water all over Shane and across the table out to dinner. Even when I am sitting still I feel like my body is trembling, and at night all I do is lay in darkness. I don’t know if its the ringing and swooshing in my ears that keep me awake or the never ending pain or the caffeine supplements I have to take religiously but either way I am just up. If I am upright for too long my appetite decreases, ugh it seems like the closer we get to this next surgery the worse the pain gets.
I think I cope pretty well though, on the bad days I push through it and you would never know, on the really bad days I listen to my playlist so that emotionally I can handle it and on the terrible days when I have stuff to do I have started doing pain meditation. There are some guidance videos on Youtube, using those help me focus and block out the pain to get through everything I need to. On the unbearable days I just stay in bed.
Although I wont get the one thing I want for the holidays it will still be a great one in spite of all that I am going through . If you have a loved one who suffers from chronic illness or pain remember them this holiday season. Keep their illness in mind when buying gifts for them, remember that what is easy for you to do is probably 10x harder for them. Be courteous and keep any accommodations they may need in mind. Also keep others from talking negatively about anything your loved one needs to do for them to be okay.
You chronic pain warriors put up the fight this holiday season and lets not let our illness win. Also although your family and friends may know they may also have no idea what you need to make it through the day so tell them. Lastly and I’m still learning this myself, only do what you can, everything else will be there later!! Merry Christmas to Everyone and Happy Holidays. I hope it is beautiful, painfree and filled with love.