Making Peace

Every week I sit here and write a post about something I’ve experienced and gone through. At times I even give advice on how I deal with things and what I  have learned. Last night though as I’m gathering thoughts on what to write about I thought why not share from a different perspective. Talk about something I don’t have all together.So here goes nothing. Through being diagnosed, all of the surgeries and continuous doctor appointments the hardest thing for me to make peace with and accept has been losing my memory. I know memory loss is a symptom that many with chronic illness suffer from. All the different medications we have to take doesn’t help and Its worse when you have had lots of surgeries, brain surgeries especially.

Before all of that I had a memory so accurate and clear I could recite something back to verbatim no matter how long ago it was. Now, I can barely tell you how old I am. So many reminders, alarms and notes in my phone and all over the house just so I can remember to take my medicine. I’ve dealt with this for awhile now but it really hit me the other day when I was supposed to take my ID with me to an appointment. Now this appointment was far away from our home and I do not drive. Even after my mom reminding me, my phone reminding and my man reminding me I still forgot my ID. If they would not have let me in without it, He would’ve had to drive 30 mins home to get it and come back and I felt terrible. I was so ashamed I didn’t even want to tell my mom…. ughh who wants to deal with that? But what can you do when your memory is bad, nothing honestly you have to try and find ways to manage without memory. So that is what I do, I try to manage but it is a struggle I deal with everyday.

I get so frustrated with myself when I see the smile on my families face when I am telling them the same story for the third time because I forgot the other 2 but they let me keep going anyway.  I cry when I cause chaos because I’ve over scheduled doctors appointments and they all have to be rescheduled. I have laid awake at night racking my brain to try and remember if I did everything I was supposed to do that day. I  hate having to tell someone oops I forgot, again. The embarrassment you feel having to explain to a doctor or therapist that yes you’re an adult old enough to handle you’re own affairs but your mother needs to be involved and told anything important because you wont remember what it is they tell you.

Now I realize I have an interesting point of view because I watched my grandfather decline and furthermore die from Dementia. And now I deal with the short term memory loss. So I know what the frustration on the other side can be and how impatient the most patient people in the world can get when forced to deal with this. I now know all to well the pain that comes when you cant remember the pain you felt from what your memory loss may have caused. Maybe being on both sides of the coin is why it’s so hard for me to make peace with this issue.Or maybe I have and I just cant remember it.

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